While Jesus Saves, I Spend

As I began my new job at Weis today, I had plenty of time to think as I uselessly stood and "observed" the large, jovial cashier ring up all kinds of cookies, cases of soda and family-sized potato chip bags for wrinkly customers who could barely fit past the conveyor belt. At one point, I excused myself and walked - deliberately slow - to the back to get a drink of water. Passing the bread section, I nearly broke down in tears. I don't know why - maybe because my boyfriend left, albeit for a week and a half (separation anxiety) - but working my first day at a grocery store proved to be more humiliating than any other job I've had. Perhaps, too, my melancholy nature can be attributed to the large gap I've been sensing in my life lately. Tack on the little nuances of the day and it all adds up. You know you're in trouble when you've decided it would be a good time to join the Peace Corps, let alone that you've checked "No Preference" for preferred location.

Not long ago, I had an insightful conversation with a friend on life and death. If you've seen my earlier entries, you'll know I'm terrified of death. I don't say anything, but even when the subject arises in humorous situations - including the wonderful show, Pushing Up Daisies - my mind wanders and I begin thinking about what death means to me. To get to the point quickly, my friend, a staunch atheist with an optimistic outlook, said there is really only one way to live on after we die: through the memory of others. It sounds a little corny, but it is better than you're-only-maggot-food-and-that's-that explanation.

So, as I inhaled the luxurious scent of whole wheat, Italian and potato breads, I began to think: If I died tomorrow (Mr. Bourdain's ice cream truck example, let's say), what imprint would I leave and how long would it take for me to disappear? I'd like to believe there is a God - or something, an afterlife, paradise, reincarnation, what have you - but logic tells me, as it does my friend, that it just ain't so. Sure, on my death bed, I'll be praying like a fiend, hoping that the doctors suddenly find a cure for death and accidentally inject me with said remedy.

I have to take a break here - I've gotten worked up and I'm getting that familiar tightening of the throat and hot facial flushes. It's not menopause, as one elderly customer graciously shared with me today. As I usually do, I stole this from a friend and just had to share it. Here's what Bonnie Tyler was really trying to say:



From the same source, I was made aware today of a deadly shooting at the Holocaust Museum. Apparently, an 88-year-old white supremacist fired upon a guard, killing him, and injuring others. By the way, the picture on the article's site is heart-breaking. Read about out-of-control elderly people here.

Believing it to better to stay inside rather than getting run over by a racing zimmer on the sidewalks of downtown State College, I settled in to watch the third night of the Colbert Show in Baghdad, Iraq. Though he's been playing it pretty soft - schmoozing with the Iraqi president and taking a few mild jabs at former psychopath, Saddam Hussein - my man Stephen hit on a pretty tender subject in one of my favorite segments, Formidable Opponent. Lately, the issue of Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been pushed to the side not only in mainstream media, but even other outlets publishing LGBT news. 365Gay.com recently featured a blog article addressing the growing issue of deaf ears to allowing gays to serve openly in the military. Here's Michael Duffy's article on marching against the military ban. Let's get our translators back and focus on more important things.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Formidable Opponent - Don't Ask, Don't Tell
http://www.colbertnation.com/
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Stephen Colbert in Iraq

As always, Rachel Maddow got a hold of the issue and held an interview with a recently-outed Arabic linguist fired from the military under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Here's Dan Choi and quirky TV host Rachel Maddow:

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Now there's a good spokesman for gay rights! Anyhow, where was I? Right, death. Far from wanting to sound "whiney" or emo (I ain't no fake cutter), I'm simply in limbo at the moment and I think I have been for quite some time - I've just covered it up with mindless activity along the way. I know that I'm young, that I have time to decide what I want out of life, but I want my epiphany now. Tiny cracks with tinier cracks in between, though. Anyhow, I'm sure of what I want now, and that's sleep.

Until next time, kiddos, and remember: Death's a reapin'!